The second ever "The Senor Gong Punter Punted For More Yards Than My Offense Gained Redskins Honorary Suck Award" is awarded to the St. Louis Rams this week. They managed to gain a mesely 235 total yards while punting for a whopping 455 yards!!! Another way of thinking about this is that the entire offense is paid roughly 70 million dollars a year just to be this shitty. That's about 4.4 million per game. That's $18723.40 per yard! I mean god DAMN!! Their punter, Donnie James, on the other hand, makes 1.6 million a year. Divide that out and that's 100K per game, or $222.2 a yard. I'm no economist(okay I obviously am), but it seems to me the offense ought to be getting a few more yards at that cost. If I was the front office, I'd be fucking pissed! (Picture front office dude in the locker room)
Head boss guy: "What the fuck am I paying you people for?!?...Donnie over there(Donnie eating caviar reading the wall street journal) I'm only paying him $222.20 a yard and his fucking worthless ass moved the ball twice as far as you pansies....
Donnie: "Um, excuse me, but I take offense to your foul language and rude comments"
Head Boss Guy: "Shut the fuck up Donnie, I'm making a fucking point"
Donnie: "Well you can make it with a new punter"
Head Boss Guy: "Donnie, I'm sick and fucking tired of this tough punter bit, you're a fucking punter with two first names god damnit"
Whole offensive line in unison: "YEAH" (laughter)
Head Boss Guy: "Fuck you o-line, I just paid you 18 grand a yard and 1.15 million per point you sorry sacks of shit. That's got to be the worst investment I ever fucking made. I'm fucking cutting the lot of you and am going to import an entire team from Canada and pay them nothing. I bet they could put up three mother fucking points! Oh yeah, and I'm keeping Donnie!!"
Donnie: "Yes!!"
O-line proceeds to beat the shit out of Donnie.
Happens every time...I mean, I'm sure you can picture it. An all too likely scenario behind the scenes of the proud winners of the "Senor Gong Punter Punted For More Yards Than My Offense Gained Redskins Honorary Suck Award"
Oh yeah, you might laugh to know that the subject of the last "Gong beat down" the Washington Redskins, proudly own the largest salary cap in football. Talk about shitty!
Gong out
Monday, September 8, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
I'd hate to be a redskin's fan
Senor Goooooonnnnnnggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg!
You hear me Oblivious?! That's right, I said it! I'd hate to be a redskin's fan. I mean, there is nothing worse than rooting for an NFL team that can't put up more than 7 points. Ouch. I know that feeling well. I went to ND from 98-02 and holy shit was our offense bad. Every game I knew we were going to lose if the opposition scored more than 14 points. There was just no way. No way for a comeback. No way for anything. And I don't have to follow the Redskins super closely to know that offense in anemic. I had that bitch Portis on my fantasy team last year and despite his always increasing neck size, that fool cannot get into the endzone. Its just the worst. You sit on the edge of you seat, hoping, praying for some movement. All you get is, 3 and out, PUNT. Ooh, 12 yard run. Nice. Three and out..PUNT. You're punter punted 7 balls at an average of 37.9 yards per punt. That means he punted for a total of 265.30 yards...yes I can add, I know, amazing. Your offense gained a total of 209 yards. I think there should be an award when the punter punts for more yards than the offense gains. We'll call it:
"The Senor Gong Punter Punted For More Yards Than My Offense Gained Redskins Honorary Suck Award"
Or to steal my good friend Rhymes with Orange's joke, The "SGPPFMYTMOGRHS" Award. Sorry oblivious. You know I love you...but OUCH.
Gong out
You hear me Oblivious?! That's right, I said it! I'd hate to be a redskin's fan. I mean, there is nothing worse than rooting for an NFL team that can't put up more than 7 points. Ouch. I know that feeling well. I went to ND from 98-02 and holy shit was our offense bad. Every game I knew we were going to lose if the opposition scored more than 14 points. There was just no way. No way for a comeback. No way for anything. And I don't have to follow the Redskins super closely to know that offense in anemic. I had that bitch Portis on my fantasy team last year and despite his always increasing neck size, that fool cannot get into the endzone. Its just the worst. You sit on the edge of you seat, hoping, praying for some movement. All you get is, 3 and out, PUNT. Ooh, 12 yard run. Nice. Three and out..PUNT. You're punter punted 7 balls at an average of 37.9 yards per punt. That means he punted for a total of 265.30 yards...yes I can add, I know, amazing. Your offense gained a total of 209 yards. I think there should be an award when the punter punts for more yards than the offense gains. We'll call it:
"The Senor Gong Punter Punted For More Yards Than My Offense Gained Redskins Honorary Suck Award"
Or to steal my good friend Rhymes with Orange's joke, The "SGPPFMYTMOGRHS" Award. Sorry oblivious. You know I love you...but OUCH.
Gong out
Thursday, September 4, 2008
THANK CHRIST: The NFL Returns
Live blog tonight for Foreskins/Gnats. Not that I really care, but a real game, with real injuries and real consequences?
Pretty sure I just got a boner.
Yep. Bonertime.
Pretty sure I just got a boner.
Yep. Bonertime.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Pardon the Interruption... but what the hell is this?
Embarrassing doesn't even begin to cover it.
I watch PTI every day. I TiVo the damn thing, then watch it when I get home from work. This is my daily ritual, and nothing, not a call from the girlfriend, or rubbing one out, can take me away from said ritual.
But I'm beginning to lose my grip.
The guys are on summer vacation, which is fucking laughable to me. Tony Kornheiser hasn't seen the inside of the studio in at least two weeks, leaving Mike Wilbon to deal with a parade of morons on his set.
Dan LeBatard? I delete before watching the first segment.
JA Adande? Tolerable, but not the same edge, or humor, as Kornheiser.
Bob Ryan? Love him as a writer. As a television personality, he leaves a lot to be desired.
Rick fucking Reilly? Are you kidding me? The guy is a train wreck on screen. He doesn't know where to look, and he doesn't know how to be funny (unless you think word puns are funny; I thought they stopped being funny in 8th grade). By all means, put him on a humorous, interesting sports show so he can make the same jokes he made in a column five years ago. Awesome. Can't wait for tomorrow's segment on how great some middle aged, mid-American middle reliever is doing in the minor leagues. Fuck me with a spoon.
I'm beginning to wonder if there wasn't some sort of falling out on the set between the two main hosts, and that the network is keeping things rotating until they find the right person for Kornheiser's job. I can't imagine that this is the case, but the never ending parades of people that spout predictable drivel instead of funny, worthwhile insight, is getting old.
Of course, I'm sure there's no bad blood, but until Kornheiser shows up on screen with Wilbon, what else do we have to do but guess? We're sure as shit not watching the show.
You know how you fix this? Know how you make it interesting again? Add Bill Simmons to the show. Train him up, let Kornheiser go, and let Simmons be the East Coast Bias the show needs for that "damn the world" bent.
He's currently doing a weekly podcast and writing exactly zero articles for the World Wide Leader, all while being under contract at a cool $1.5 mil. So why not add him to the only "specialty show" ESPN has that's even remotely worth watching?
I guarantee you: keep parading out guest hosts, and there won't be a show to put on anymore, because nobody is going to watch the fucking thing.
I watch PTI every day. I TiVo the damn thing, then watch it when I get home from work. This is my daily ritual, and nothing, not a call from the girlfriend, or rubbing one out, can take me away from said ritual.
But I'm beginning to lose my grip.
The guys are on summer vacation, which is fucking laughable to me. Tony Kornheiser hasn't seen the inside of the studio in at least two weeks, leaving Mike Wilbon to deal with a parade of morons on his set.
Dan LeBatard? I delete before watching the first segment.
JA Adande? Tolerable, but not the same edge, or humor, as Kornheiser.
Bob Ryan? Love him as a writer. As a television personality, he leaves a lot to be desired.
Rick fucking Reilly? Are you kidding me? The guy is a train wreck on screen. He doesn't know where to look, and he doesn't know how to be funny (unless you think word puns are funny; I thought they stopped being funny in 8th grade). By all means, put him on a humorous, interesting sports show so he can make the same jokes he made in a column five years ago. Awesome. Can't wait for tomorrow's segment on how great some middle aged, mid-American middle reliever is doing in the minor leagues. Fuck me with a spoon.
I'm beginning to wonder if there wasn't some sort of falling out on the set between the two main hosts, and that the network is keeping things rotating until they find the right person for Kornheiser's job. I can't imagine that this is the case, but the never ending parades of people that spout predictable drivel instead of funny, worthwhile insight, is getting old.
Of course, I'm sure there's no bad blood, but until Kornheiser shows up on screen with Wilbon, what else do we have to do but guess? We're sure as shit not watching the show.
You know how you fix this? Know how you make it interesting again? Add Bill Simmons to the show. Train him up, let Kornheiser go, and let Simmons be the East Coast Bias the show needs for that "damn the world" bent.
He's currently doing a weekly podcast and writing exactly zero articles for the World Wide Leader, all while being under contract at a cool $1.5 mil. So why not add him to the only "specialty show" ESPN has that's even remotely worth watching?
I guarantee you: keep parading out guest hosts, and there won't be a show to put on anymore, because nobody is going to watch the fucking thing.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
08.07.08
Okay hombres and chicas, Senor Gong here about to go all loco on your asses. For those of you who don't speak spanish, my name means Mr. Gong. For those of you who do, my name means Mr. Gong. Respect it. Feel free to ring a nearby gong to feel the wrath of mi nombre...that's my name bitches...Respect it.
So last night thowin a few back and watchin the tube and I see a commercial for the olympics. 08.08.08....Woooooowwwwwww! What a day to start the olympics on! I had a friend that got married last year on 07.07.07 and made this huge fucking deal of it. They got married at exactly 7PM, and had seven bridesmades and groomsmen, and seven readings and seven chestnuts placed on every plate, and so on. It was god damn ridiculous. I think they should have had a contest to have us guess what one thing didn't actually come in the number 7. I got one for ya! I had seven too many drinks and puked in seven places you don't know about! I guess they weren't alone though. There were like 707,070 weddings last year on that day...more than the whole rest of the fucking summer. Why do people give such a shit about these things?
I have a question. What do you think they were doing on 08-08-1908?? I can tell you what they were doing in France...why can I tell you this? wikipedia bitches...anways, they were watching Wilbur Wright fly his airplane for the first time. Somehow I doubt they were like(picture thick french accent) "wi wi, voo my gawd, not only are weee seeing flight for the very first time, we're doing it on 08-08-08...how seeembolic." What is this shit? Are we somehow going to remember these olympics for the rest of our lives because they occured when all the eights alligned in perfect harmony? Hey....psssst...did you know that if you turn the eights sideways they make the infinity sign. Do you know what 3 x infinity is??? FUCKING INFINITY! And you know what that means? Everything!! and yet, NOTHING...But I bet if I made some t-shirts that said "Infinity Olympics 08.08.08" and had a big picture of my dumb ass with two thumbs up and the caption "Senor Gong loves the Olympics" and maybe a good list of the symbolism of the number 8 on the back, I'd make a fucking fortune just for pointing out the irony. And even if I didn't make a fortune, I bet people would look back on it and say, "man, you remember that stupid shirt Senor Gong came out with at the 08.08.08 olympics...that shit was crazy....and ironic" So what's my point you say? The olympics are friggen awesome on their own, and if people really need a tacky 08.08.08 campaign just to get behind it and show their support for their country...fuck'em. We certainly don't need that kind of motivation to get fired up for football season(since this is supposed to be a football blog)...over a month before it starts. Here's to tomorrow and the start of a new olympics.
Feel free to steal my shirt idea.
Out
Senor Gong
So last night thowin a few back and watchin the tube and I see a commercial for the olympics. 08.08.08....Woooooowwwwwww! What a day to start the olympics on! I had a friend that got married last year on 07.07.07 and made this huge fucking deal of it. They got married at exactly 7PM, and had seven bridesmades and groomsmen, and seven readings and seven chestnuts placed on every plate, and so on. It was god damn ridiculous. I think they should have had a contest to have us guess what one thing didn't actually come in the number 7. I got one for ya! I had seven too many drinks and puked in seven places you don't know about! I guess they weren't alone though. There were like 707,070 weddings last year on that day...more than the whole rest of the fucking summer. Why do people give such a shit about these things?
I have a question. What do you think they were doing on 08-08-1908?? I can tell you what they were doing in France...why can I tell you this? wikipedia bitches...anways, they were watching Wilbur Wright fly his airplane for the first time. Somehow I doubt they were like(picture thick french accent) "wi wi, voo my gawd, not only are weee seeing flight for the very first time, we're doing it on 08-08-08...how seeembolic." What is this shit? Are we somehow going to remember these olympics for the rest of our lives because they occured when all the eights alligned in perfect harmony? Hey....psssst...did you know that if you turn the eights sideways they make the infinity sign. Do you know what 3 x infinity is??? FUCKING INFINITY! And you know what that means? Everything!! and yet, NOTHING...But I bet if I made some t-shirts that said "Infinity Olympics 08.08.08" and had a big picture of my dumb ass with two thumbs up and the caption "Senor Gong loves the Olympics" and maybe a good list of the symbolism of the number 8 on the back, I'd make a fucking fortune just for pointing out the irony. And even if I didn't make a fortune, I bet people would look back on it and say, "man, you remember that stupid shirt Senor Gong came out with at the 08.08.08 olympics...that shit was crazy....and ironic" So what's my point you say? The olympics are friggen awesome on their own, and if people really need a tacky 08.08.08 campaign just to get behind it and show their support for their country...fuck'em. We certainly don't need that kind of motivation to get fired up for football season(since this is supposed to be a football blog)...over a month before it starts. Here's to tomorrow and the start of a new olympics.
Feel free to steal my shirt idea.
Out
Senor Gong
Get the f--- out of our way
We're road-field advantage. A collection of stiffs to discuss all things sports, but with a special emphasis on football.
I'm Orange. Along shortly will be Oblivious Maximus and the yet-to-be-cleverly-named other members of our site.
A few rules:
Yes, we're trying to be funny. Don't think we are? Don't stop by.
Yes, we enjoy bloggings like Deadspin and KSK. Don't like them? Kindly fuck off.
No fat chicks. If you must be a fat chick, try not to act like a fat chick.
All we need is a sign.
I'm Orange. Along shortly will be Oblivious Maximus and the yet-to-be-cleverly-named other members of our site.
A few rules:
Yes, we're trying to be funny. Don't think we are? Don't stop by.
Yes, we enjoy bloggings like Deadspin and KSK. Don't like them? Kindly fuck off.
No fat chicks. If you must be a fat chick, try not to act like a fat chick.
All we need is a sign.
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